I'm scared. I'm scared for a week straight, and I know I have to go through this in order to get the access to some kind of a next level of understanding.
I fight against my fear until I come to accept it. I realise that the best way to cope with fear is to know it as well as possible. To know the object of your fear; what it is and why it makes you feel afraid. When you know your own fear, it can't hurt you.
So I'm learning.
I understand that all my life I've been facing my fears.
I was six years old when I fell off a horse, and refused to go back to the stables. But since that I have done exactly the things that make my heart jump. I was afraid of speaking, speaking in public, afraid of the way I talk and afraid of people watching me. So I learned what it is to perform and to be watched. I was in a theater group for years.
I was clumsy, I started dance classes. It took years to get to the same level as the others, years until I felt somewhat comfortable in my body.
I was afraid of telephones. Calling strangers. I couldn't do it. So I decided that the only way to get out of it is to call as many people, as much as possible, until I'm too tired to be afraid. I worked as a salesperson through telephone, called all over Finland, it was a nightmare back then but at least I'm not afraid of phones anymore.
It's like Ronja the robber's daugther in Astrid Lindgren's book. Ronja is terrified of the forest and there are all these dangers and strange creatures trying to attack her. So her father tells her; go and learn what it is to be afraid. And she learns. She runs in the darkness, jumps over the gorges, meets the terrifying creatures face-to-face.
I guess the keypoint in facing one's fears is that it has to be voluntary. Otherwise the trauma might just get bigger. To consciously decide to learn about such deep emotion as fear, it really takes courage and when you do it, it really teaches you some great lessons.
What is the ultimate fear? Death. Losing control (of one's life, status, the current situation, posessions or relations).
I had a long discussion with a good friend about this topic. Facing the ultimate fear. She was saying that it's essential to go through it in order to gain a deeper understanding. Now I see what she meant. You can't know what life is unless you know what death is to you. You can't know your strenght unless you know your fear.
And getting to know the fear is a way to remove certain blocks in your mind (which at least in my case have been restricting my access to the deepest parts of "me" or that part of myself that is connected to the universe). The fear is there to protect you, but is it also there to protect some universal understanding?
I might be going too far, connecting the personal growth and the collective mind, but it's interesting to look at the collective consciousness as a state which has a secret door. To find this door (you may call it the door of perception, or some kind of an enlightening if you like), one must break trough their on restricted mind, and one way might very well be through fear. Is that way so many spiritual rituals are connected with fear of death?
I didn't want to make this post too rambling, and here I am already way out of the line...
This fear I was talking about in the beginning of the post. It was there for a week, until I accepted it and looked straight into its eyes.
I knew how it would be, right from the start I knew. I knew there would be a thunder, I knew there would be an awakening, and I knew there would be singing. And so there was.
Too much for a blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment